Delirium Rambles

The toddler woke up coughing, her body shaking with the force of her body's efforts to expel the wet stuff from her throat. I gave her some Robitussin, then, when she begged me, curled up on her bed beside her. After she fell asleep I snuck out, or tried to anyway. She woke up and cried for me as soon as I climbed off the bed.

I remember getting sick when I was a kid. I always seemed to get the serious stuff. I had strep so many times we lost count. Bronchitis, tonsilitis, pneumonia - I had them all. Mom would put me on the couch, with a towel over my pillow and a pot by my head and I'd sleep through the day. I must have been an easy sick kid.

Nights were different. I'd wake up after everyone else had gone to bed, tucked into my own bed. I never told my mom about those long nightmarish hours. I'd call her if I started throwing up (vomiting always made me panic) but I endured the rest alone.

Fevers were the worst. My senses would go berserk, magnifying everything until I was sick just from the distortions. Small crumbs would become jagged mountains, their surface projections catching on my heated fingertips like knives. A roll of toilet paper, to blow my nose, became as soft as my pillow, but larger than any bed. Frightened, I avoided it, feeling as if that softness would swallow me, suffocating me before I could free myself. Even the air moving past my face felt like sandpaper.

I would lie there all night, trying to entertain myself, feeling the air moving in and out of my superheated lungs and periodically moving my pillow to try to find a cool spot. All I wanted was to fall asleep and let the illness pass through my body unnoticed. Relief never came until long after dawn.

I wonder now what my daughter is experiencing. Will she remember this night and others like it, being woken by her body's response to the illness her immune system and I could not protect her from? Will she continue to call for me in the middle of the night when she wakes up feeling sick, or will she choose to suffer alone as I did?

I don't know why I never told my mom about those nights. I just never thought about it.