Admit nothing, deny everything, make counter-accusations

I hate losing my temper. I have a nasty, mean, out of control, no holds barred temper if I don't watch myself. I've been like this as long as I can remember. And I've always hated it.

I have never lost my temper and not immediately regretted it afterward. Words will fly out of my mouth that destroy everything I've struggled to put together in a friendship or relationship. I'll spit them out in the heat of the moment, feeling all justified and self-righteous, even enjoying how beautifully cutting and precise my phrases are, what perfect instruments of my frustration and disdain I have created ...

... and then I'll see the face of my friend or loved one and want to reach out, grab those perfectly hateful words and stuff them back inside me.

I'm much better at controlling myself than I used to be. I still fume inside when I'm upset, but I've learned to go off and rant in silence to myself. The consequences just aren't worth it. Much better to present my arguments when I'm calm and in control. But, every so often I still lose it.

We had a huge fight tonight, or at least I did. The husband just sat there and listened, as he usually does when I'm upset. I lit into him with everything I had, dragging up things from the first weeks we were married even. I was stupid, childish and unforgivably cruel.

All because I broke a light fixture while I was trying to change the bulbs. I might have had a breakthrough regarding my relationship with my father, but I'm still pulling the burrs off my socks. I reacted to the husband just like I'd learned when I was a kid dealing with my dad. Deny everything, make counter-accusations. Drag out the past to confuse the issue at hand. "No, I'm not the bad person, you are. See?"

But, oh, the look on his face.

He is such a good man, my best friend, and the kindest, gentlest husband any woman could hope for. He is going through one of the toughest periods of his life right now (this last week with the teenager has sucked beyond belief) and I do this to him? He needs my support and I react like an immature brat?

I hate losing my temper. It doesn't matter what the breaking point was or if I was justified or not. Either way I've got a stinkin' huge mess to clean up.