But quitting is a bad thing, right?

I'm thinking about quitting writing. Or at least, to quit writing for pay.

It might just be the exhaustion talking. I am on several months now without more than a few hours sleep at a time. It might be the post partum depression, although I've been feeling pretty good lately. It might just be temporary frustration with how much I think my fiction sucks.

Except that I feel rather relieved about this possibility. I keep thinking about Dej's sig line. "The career of a writer is comparable to that of a woman of easy virtue. You write first for pleasure, later for the pleasure of others and finally for money." -- Marcel Achard

I used to write all the time. I couldn't help it. Ever since I first learned to read I'd be thinking of the way I would have told the story, and how much better my version would have been. I have notebooks and three ring binders from my junior high and high school days, stuffed full of short stories, observations, plot ideas.

And then I started doing nonfiction. I found out I was very very good at journalism. I got paid for doing it, I got promotions for doing it. It was all very gratifying. Except that I hated it. I loathe journalism. I loathe writing nonfiction, except for essays, which are a blast. I did it for ego, I did it for money, I did it in spite of the fact that I was bored out of my mind. And I did pretty well for myself. I was content at least, if not happy, and when I worked for About I was proud of my site.

I've been pushing myself to get back into fiction, though, to follow through on my fantasies and get published. And I've been getting more and more unhappy, increasingly constipated in my writing. Instead of a joy, with the words bursting out of me, story making has become a drag on my mind, a chore that I keep putting off.

This isn't me, and it's not a way I'm happy living. I don't want to be like this anymore, and I think the solution is to stop working toward getting published. I need to start writing for my own pleasure again.

I don't know if it's the right decision, or if it's even one I'll stick with, but it's a decision I feel good about, and I haven't felt good about anything to do with writing in a long time.