Must sell, gd. cond., $75 firm

I have become addicted to the classified ads in my new local paper. The Misc. For Sale section is huge, much larger than anything else, even the Sunday want ads, filled with everything you can imagine. And I'm hooked. I read them while I'm eating my breakfast, tantalized by the story fragments behind each ad.

There's a velvet brocade couch that's been listed for the last month. Only $100, a year old, it looks like a great deal. Why hasn't anyone snatched it up? Is it really only a loveseat, masquerading as a couch? I wonder what color it is. Could it be so hideous as to make the couch unsalable? Or maybe it's something more basic. Do the owners have 13 poorly trained tomcats each trying to outdo the other in marking their territory? We could use a new couch, but do I really want to find out why no-one else wants it?

Industrial Forklift, 10 ton, gd. cond. That's a new ad. I'm curious to see how long it stays there. Is there really a market for 10 ton forklifts in the classified ads? Is this a farmer's forklift, or is it being sold by a local business? I imagine a family farm, upgrading their machinery to a bigger and better forklift, with onboard computers and a digital control panel. Or are forklifts something that has stayed basic, electronics-free?

There's a collection of Beanie Babies for sale, 200 of them, asking price $2 each. In the next column over there's another collection of 200, this one of vinegar bottles. The Beanie Babies have been there as long as the velvet couch. I have higher hopes for the couch selling than the Beanie Babies. I don't know anything about the market for vinegar bottle collections, but I'd be willing to bet it'll sell before the Beanie Babies, too.

Like the vinegar bottles, some of the ads offer windows into worlds with which I am completely unfamiliar. What is a plumber's bench? Is it a luxury that it comes w/ access., or is that a basic necessity? Baled orchard grass seems easy enough to understand, until I start thinking about who would buy it. Do horses especially love orchard grass in the middle of the winter? How does it compare to hay, anyway?

And what is it with all the graves for sale? Cemetary lots, mausoleum crypts, 2 lots, 4 burial plots, 4 grave lots, 4 cemetary plots, new section, old section, section B, section G. They're always sold in even numbers by people who say they're leaving the area. I can count nine ads for them today, without even trying. I can't help but wonder if someone is buying up cemetary plots and trying to resell them for a profit. They average about $500 a plot, which adds up to an absolutely ridiculous amount per acre. Or is this the cemetary owners, trying to sell their product without having to use direct sales calls? "Hey, someday you're going to die! Why not be prepared?"

Wedding gown, Lady Eleanor, sz 12, never worn, says one ad. 1/2 carat engagement ring, appraised $1800, says another. But wait! There's another just a few columns along, 3/4 carat, $2500. It seems like it should be bad luck to buy a used ring from a broken romance. Not the most positive symbolism to start your own marriage, is it?

What's a French Open Hole Flute? Would I enjoy learning how to play one? Well, maybe not at $950. I'll stick with humming, I think.

Too bad we don't have any room for that free mahogany grand piano. I'd like the girls to take piano lessons. I did when I was a kid and I'm glad. I wouldn't mind getting back to it in fact. Could we possibly move things around enough to make it work? Don't be silly, Jennifer. What room do you feel like giving up entirely, the living room or your bedroom? Oh, well, I hope whoever gets it has fun. And a very big house.