There's only so much.

Several years ago, an older woman with whom I worked turned to me and said, "Have I ever told you my list of people who have wronged me?"

"Uhhh," I said. "Ummm, no?"

"Well, when I was seven," she said, "my twin sister ..."

I tried very hard not to hear the rest of her list. It took a lot of concentration. Since she was in her mid-sixties it was a very long list.

There's something horrifying in that. For nearly sixty years she'd held that grudge. In all those years hadn't she ever looked at a seven year old and thought, "Wow, kids are dumb sometimes! Why am I still mad about something a child did?"

I wonder sometimes about stupid things I've done in my life, about how I might have hurt people and not even known about it. It bothers me to think that there are people out there whom I have injured without realizing. I'm sure there are many, to my shame. I have been known to do some incredibly dumb things.

I wish I knew who they are so I could apologize to them.

Some actions I don't need to wonder about. I remember them all too clearly and I cringe at the memory. There are things that I have done that I was too ashamed of to apologize at the time, things for which I was too dumb to realize I needed to apologize, things that I was too busy being angry about to apologize. I wish I could go back, find those people, and apologize to them, too.

One of the best things my mother ever did for me was to march me over to a friend's house, after I (in company with a group of other girls at church) had made the incredibly bad decision to mock her new shoes. Mom drove me a half hour out to this girl's house and made me apologize to her parents and to her, face to face. It was humiliating. It really affected me. I hadn't thought about her feelings, just my desire to be part of the group. Mom's punishment shocked me out of that, and I'm so grateful to her.

Wanting forgiveness from others, how can I not extend the same? At least, that's what I aspire to. I tend to hang on to my anger way too long sometimes. Learning to forgive hasn't been an easy thing for me. I don't want to wind up in my mid-sixties still counting the offenses, though. What a huge waste of my time and energy, of my life. I don't have enough of any to waste.