Sleepin' Single

The husband has had to work nights again this last month, so on the days he's worked he's slept all day, gotten up in time to shower and leave, then get home the next morning just in time to go to bed. The schedule they have him on right now has him doing a full week's work in just three days. You'd think he'd get four days off then, but no. He never gets more than three days off, sometimes just two.

It's hard enough when he's working days, but especially hard when he's working nights, because even on his days off we don't see him. He can't get his sleeping pattern confused, so we only see him for a few hours in the evening.

Last night was another night at work for him. I was watching a movie on the laptop in the bedroom after the kids had all gone to bed. It was getting late, but I just didn't feel like going to sleep yet, so I started playing the extras on the DVD, deleted scenes, director's commentary, all that stuff.

Even with all that, I was feeling bored, so I opened a solitaire program and started to play. I thought about turning the DVD off, but it seemed like a good idea, for some reason, to listen to the commentary while I played. After all, who needs to see what's happening, if all you're seeing is some guy talking, right?

When the commentary ended I looked for something else to play, but there wasn't anything. I'd played all the extras. So, I played the commentary again, while I went back to playing solitaire and not really listening.

Some part of my mind pointed out that this was not typical of me, and why was I doing this? And another, deeper, part answered, "I'm lonely."

I kept playing that DVD for the voices. For the sound of people. The illusion of companionship.

It was very hard to make myself turn off those voices and go to sleep in an empty bed.

I wonder how long things are going to be hard like this. I wonder how long I can endure. Right now I feel like I'm just barely on this side of being able to bear it. They keep putting off the date when he'll start his new job. Oh, please, let it come through this time. I need him here. I can't do this alone.