A New Year.

This has been a good year. Oh, sure it's had its hard times, but looking back at where we were at this time last year, life is much better.

Last year at this time, we hadn't had any money for Christmas. We didn't have any money for the rent, and the money we were counting on didn't show up by the first, like I'd counted on. Luckily the first was a holiday, so I went by the property manager's office and stuck the check under the door. They wouldn't get it until the 2nd, but at least I could claim I'd paid it on time and we wouldn't get penalized. Most hopefully, the money we were waiting for would come in on the 2nd and by the time they took our check to the bank, the other money would be waiting and the check wouldn't bounce.

This year, we didn't have to think twice about paying rent, and not only did we get to have Christmas, we had enough extra to buy some blankets and sheets in an after-Christmas sale.

Last year at this time Michael was in the middle of refusing to do anything related to school. He was swearing at me, using threats and his considerable size to try to frighten everyone into doing what he wanted them to do, and hitting Arielle every time she was near him and my back was turned. He lied constantly. I was seriously considering leaving my marriage in an attempt to keep him from hurting the girls.

This year, Michael has grown up a lot. He's still a handful sometimes, but we are seeing increasingly pleasant behavior from him and he's making a real effort to do well in school. He's willing to negotiate with us when we need to establish limits on his behavior and if he doesn't get what he wants is more likely to shrug and say, "Oh well," than to spit at people and threaten to hurt them. I cannot say what a relief that is.

Last year at this time I was so deeply depressed that I couldn't even write anymore. I felt like an animal in a trap, so desperate to escape that I would have sacrificed anything to be free. And it was going to get much worse in the coming months.

This year, I feel much better. I'm not sure if I'm over the depression yet, but I can laugh again, and think, and plan and do things. I have to be careful not to overdo because I find that it's all too easy to use up a day's worth of energy with an hour or two or hard effort or excitement. I have to be careful to write down anything I want to remember, because my memory isn't what it used to be. But, when I look back at those dark times last summer, when I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to keep from hurting myself, I can't really understand how I could have felt that way. Now, if a bad thing happens, suicide is not my first thought. Because trouble is temporary and there's always a solution on the other side.

All you have to do is hold your breath and hang on.