Last Thoughts: What to Say

Thanks for putting up with this series of posts. I've never shared so much of the whole story before and I felt the need to do so. I hope you found it worth reading, and maybe even informative.

Some of you might have a friend or family member who is coping with infertility. You might feel awkward about the subject and wonder what to say to them, how to support them. That's OK. We don't necessarily know how to handle this ourselves. We don't expect you to know either.

If I was telling you what I needed this is what I would say:

Love me. Be my friend. Listen to me when I need to talk. Fight the temptation to solve my problem. Believe me, you have little chance of coming up with something my doctors haven't thought of. I'm also getting lots of bad folklore from everyone else about how to conceive, so if you could be the person who doesn't do that it would be so great.

Please don't second guess my decisions or tell me I'm doing something wrong. I've put a lot of thought into this. I need you to respect that. Please don't second guess my treatment or my doctor's advice, either. My doctor is experienced at this and knows more about my condition than I've told you. I will follow my doctor's advice regardless of what you think and I don't have the energy to argue with you about it. I need your support.

It may be that you have a legitimate concern about my decision or my doctor. It's OK to bring that up, if you do so with sensitivity and respect for my decision. This is hard enough. Please don't make it harder.

And please, please, don't try to make me feel better by telling me how hard it is to be a mom. That just makes me feel like you don't think I have enough sense to already know that. I understand it's hard. I don't care. I want it anyway. I'm perfectly willing to ruin my figure, never sleep in again, worry myself sick over a teenager, and go through all the other difficult aspects of parenting. I think it's worth it.

Between the emotional upheaval of coping with something I might never have expected and the drugs I'm taking, you might notice I'm a little hard to get along with. Please be patient. If you can, please forgive me and keep forgiving me. I know I'm asking a lot and putting you through a lot, but I've never needed you more.

I'm feeling really bad about myself right now. I feel broken, I feel cheated, I feel guilty. I keep wondering what I did, why God or Fate is punishing me like this. I have to keep reminding myself that children aren't a reward for good behavior and that I deserve to be a parent as much as any other person. Please don't make me feel worse by reinforcing my fears. Please don't minimize them by dismissing them. The best thing you can do is listen and gently let me know when I'm not being very rational.

Yes, if you get pregnant it's going to hurt. Please don't feel guilty. If you don't hear from me for a while, I don't hate you. I just am hurting a little too much and need some space to breath. Please don't shut me out of your life and your happiness. I'll let you know if I can't handle coming to the baby shower, birthday party, etc.

If you don't know what to say that's all right. Just tell me that you love me, that you're sad with me, and that you don't know what to say or do but you wish you did.

(Next week will be back to normal, I promise!)