If He Said The Sky Was Blue, I'd Get An Umbrella -- What I Haven't Been Telling You

So, after several months of living with the teen, the situation with him boils down to this:

1. He lies almost as easily as he breathes.
2. He is absolutely determined to do absolutely nothing whatsoever to help himself.
   

The first problem is directly related to the second problem, as most of his lying involves attempting to evade having to do anything. However, he is very comfortable with lying and does so whenever it suits him, to the point that I honestly would have to doublecheck if he told me the world was round.

The refusing to help himself is mostly related to school. It has reached a point where he just sits there in class, staring at a wall. His teachers tell us he's not even making any attempt to do the tests, just handing in a blank test sheet.

He doesn't flat out refuse to do homework or class assignments; he uses lying to get out of it, mostly through claims to have forgotten, or claims to have done it. If we push it by asking to see the completed homework or check with his teachers, he becomes violently angry. I think the anger is an attempt to manipulate the situation through intimidation. That's why he's with us, after all. He was so angry and threatening with his mother that she decided she couldn't handle him anymore. I think he's hanging on to that technique because it worked so well there.

And it works well here, too, sadly. The only adult who can really handle him right now is his father. I don't dare push him when I'm alone with him, for fear of my safety and the girls'.

We are at our wits' end. We just don't know what to do at this point. Nothing motivates him, nothing spurs him to effort. It feels like he's teetering on an edge, wavering with every wind that blows. Is he going to be a responsible person, kind to others, taking care of himself and the people around him? Or is he going to live only for himself, using abuse to coerce other people into submission, paying no attention to the harm he does to himself or others - until someday his life lies around him in ruins and he is left with nothing and no-one?

We are doing everything we can to influence him toward the positive choice, but there is so little we can do. The ultimate choice has to come from him and right now the choices he is making are pushing him further and further from a happy future.

We've considered that this might be depression, but we have no way of doing anything about it if it is because he refuses to have anything to do with therapy or medication. His mother had him going to a very poor therapist for several years, one who was (as the teen sees it) an ally in helping his mother abuse him. She also had him committed to a mental hospital at one point as a condition of being allowed to stay with her and, therefore, near his friends. This has left him very angry with the whole profession. Again, he gets violently angry if the subject comes up.

We are hoping this might be just a teenager thing, although we fear that is a slim to nothing chance. I think it is probably normal for parents to fear the worst for their children when they see them making bad decisions. It's hard to see how they might pull themselves out of it one day. We're still trying because we just don't know what will make the difference. We can't just throw our hands up in the air and leave it to chance. What if our fears are correct and the worst really does happen? If he continues unchecked in this course, he is going to wind up a classic abuser, terrorizing his wife and children, a danger to everyone around him.

The thing that is makes this hardest, though, is its effect on the girls, especially the preschooler. He is very harsh and cruel with her, which she doesn't understand. She adores him, and when he yells at her, telling her to keep away from him, to shut up, to stop looking at him, stop talking, stop laughing, stop playing, when he lashes out by hitting her when I'm not looking or snatching a toy from her just to hurt her, she doesn't know how to react. And so she acts out, running wildly around, being noisy and disobedient. She's taken to apologizing for nothing, coming up to the nearest family member at unpredictable intervals and saying, "I sorry for being mad at you."

Which leads us to another problem. Where do you draw the line? How do we save him, without losing the girls? How do I protect the girls from him without losing my marriage? I've thought about leaving for the next few years, until he graduates, coming back when he's out of the house for good. The girls and I could stay with my mother, an environment that would be much safer for them. He'd be alone with his dad, who could work intensively with him. The teen claims that a large part of his anger is the girls and me, that he's jealous of their intact family. If I go, would that help? I doubt it though, and I don't think my marriage could survive that long a separation, either.

But what other options are there? He's refusing to change. It is looking more and more that this isn't a case of just giving him time to grow up and improve. He's hanging on to this behavior, this anger and rebellion with both hands. He's made it clear that this is the way he chooses to be; that he doesn't want to change anything or get better or be happier. Maybe someday he will see the error of that, but what do we do until then? How can we either persuade him to change, or ride out the next few years with a minimum of damage?

I can take the girls away for the next couple of years. We can stay here and continue to try to minimize his abuse of them. Or, we can give up and send him away. Which would mean foster care, because his mother won't take him back.

I can't give up on him. I can't bring myself to leave, yet. But I don't know how much longer I can go on living like this, afraid all the time, only feeling relaxed and safe when he's at school or a friend's house.

I haven't really talked about this before now, because, well, I'm a stepmother. I feel so guilty about all this, as if somehow I'm being an evil stepmother every time I wish he didn't live here, every time I'm glad he's spending the night somewhere else. That was one reason I went away during December. I was so sick, dreading his Christmas break. I couldn't keep on trying to be happy and positive here on the blog, and whisking the girls off to my bedroom to play to keep them away from him the rest of the time.

I'm told by other people that the little boy I knew is still there, even though we never see him. They tell me in passing about the thoughtful young man they see, intelligent, witty, insightful, polite. His friends' parents are always glad to have him over, his youth leaders at church can't speak highly enough of him. We alone are the recipients of his anger. I don't know if that means he trusts us and feels free to "let it all out" here, or if that means that he's just being more careful around outsiders. Does that mean there's still hope for him to come out of this one day, or is he just cultivating his ability to lie? In other words, is what other people see real, or a calculated mask?

I hope he's not that far gone. But I don't just know anymore. All I have are questions right now, with no idea where to go or what to do.