Nothing Special

Remember when you were young, dreaming of what you'd do and be in the future, when you were grown up? It was a little scary, wasn't it? Exciting, too, full of wonderful things. And when you played, make-believing those dreams were already true, trying them on for size, you didn't think small, did you? Your games were full of drama and excitement, stories in which you were the hero, doing important things that only you could do.

And when you hit your late teens, looking at what to do with your life, sizing up jobs, majors, careers, romantic partners, dreaming of the amazing things you'd do, how many of you wanted to be rock stars? How many of you dreamed of going into a career where you'd be the best, making amazing discoveries that would change the world, rescuing the helpless, making a fortune, famous and respected?

Did any kid ever make-believe that they were going to grow up to be ordinary?

That's been maybe the bitterest part of this whole midlife crisis thing, and probably even the heart of it. Here I am, halfway through my life. When I imagined being this age I assumed that I would be successful, assured, confident. I would have figured it all out and I would have everything under control.

Yet, here I am. I'm too old to get that magical makeover that's going to turn me into a potential Miss America. The talent I thought I had? Not good enough to make it in the cold, cruel world. The family I was going to have, the wise and serene mother I was going to become, well, neither of those things ever happened, or is going to.

So here I am. Ordinary. Nothing special to me after all. If you saw me on the street you'd look right past me, at the most thinking to yourself that I was just another frumpy middle-aged woman, who isn't aging well. You might even hold me up as an example of what not to let happen to you.

Ouch. 17 year old Jennifer would have been devastated if she'd known where everything would really end up.

And yet, isn't this where most of us end up? After all, what I've written is nothing new. It's been examined, fictionalized and performed on stages around the world. Most of us go through this in one form or another, with varying degrees of success in dealing with it. Which means that even in my trauma I'm only ordinary.

Hmmm. How boring.