Manners, please.

Why, no, I don't have time to blog. Thank you for asking! Because not only am I trying to pack, calling around to get our address changed, faxing last minute paperwork back and forth between us and the bank, planning out colors for our new rooms (and researching paint quality, how to prepare a room for painting, not to mention prices for paint and painting supplies), thinking about landscaping for our new yard, trying to get permission from the homeowner's association for a fence in backyard (and find a contractor to put up said fence), I am writing professionally again, since our new house payment is going to be about $300 more per month than our rent is now and I can increase my income by $300/month much easier than the husband can.

But I do make a point of keeping up to date on the blogs that I am most addicted to, trying to catch each of you at least a couple of times a week. And after reading Julie's latest post I found myself composing a long, long comment in response, which generally means it would be a good idea to blog instead of commenting. And hey, I needed to post something anyway. It would be good to not completely abandon my blog, after all.

So. Manners. Children. Other people's brats. Is it OK to correct the manners of another parent's child? Here's my opinion:

My children live in a world composed of many more people than their family members. They need to learn to get along with those people. I see teaching them to get along with others as being a two part process. One, they need to have good manners. This will minimize the possibility that they will enrage another person enough that said enraged person will beat their heads in. Two, they need to be able to dismiss it when another person has bad manners. Because, really, who's got the time and energy to spend being upset over the fact that another person is a jerk? Save your fuming for the things that matter.

Now, my kids are doing pretty well on developing good manners so far. I haven't really had to teach them to say things like "thank you" and "you're welcome." ("Please" and "I'm sorry" are things we're having to put a little more effort into learning.) In fact, I was astonished when my oldest started just spontaneously using those phrases. When I thought about it, though, I realized that I used them with her all the time.

Which is why I now am of the opinion that the best way to teach a child good manners is to treat them with good manners. And when I see a rude child, yes, I am more likely to question how their parents behave at home. On the other hand, I know that a child can lose good manners over time and choose to behave completely rudely. In which case they need to be firmly reminded that bad manners are not acceptable. Because if they get away with it, then they will continue to behave that way and honestly? Not fair to them to let them think it's OK. Because sooner or later, the world is going to give them a bloody nose over it. Better to be embarrassed as a child than lose a job as an adult.

So, if my child is behaving badly, I am theoretically fine with them being corrected by a nearby adult. They need to learn to handle the fact that if they are badly behaved, more people than their parents are going to disapprove. I also think it carries more weight if the kids see that this is such an important subject that mom is backed up by every adult in the vicinity. I remember when I was a kid, a strange adult reprimanding me made much more of an impression than my mom saying something I'd heard a million times before.

Not that I always am able to handle myself with equanimity when that sort of thing happens. I am, in the heat of embarrassment, much more likely to feel defensive about my parenting skills than appreciative of the teaching support. And I certainly wouldn't allow someone to be mean to my child. There's a big difference between a reminder or a mild remonstrance, and a verbal attack. A little embarrassment isn't bad. Being scared or made to feel worthless will bring out the mommy tiger in me really quick.

Not the most coherent post I've ever put together, but the best you're getting today. Sorry! Things will improve in April. I think.